This Time Machine Has Done Nothing for My Sex life


Everybody wants to fuck Napoleon.


Asking is bulletproof liar detection. “No,” says a liar,”I don’t find cynical genius and European conqueror Napoleon Bonaparte sexy.”

Maybe they just feel intimidated, you know, like when you say you don’t like someone when, in fact, you would love to be with them, but you know it’s not happening, so you feign disinterest. That’s not really the way it is with Napoleon. Believe me; he’s gettable.

Josephine walked in on us and she didn’t even bother to yell. She just gave him the look and he said “It’s true I love all beautiful women, but only because they remind me of you.” You must admit, that’s a great line. Especially since I look nothing like Josephine. And he called me beautiful. I think.

Genghis Khan has red hair. I bet you didn’t know that. Green eyes too. Genghis was a ginger! (Explains a few things.) You would think (I did) that sleeping with thousands of women would make the love act less intimate. Well, it does. I could have been any women to him: a priest’s virgin daughter, a Chinese princess, a sheep: It’s all the same after a while.

I know how my choices sound, but I am not a girl who needs to be conquered. It’s just a guy who orders other guys around really does it for me. I also like short guys. Why is that the more controversial opinion? Anyway, I fucked the Pharaoh. Yes, THE Pharaoh, like Ramses something. Unlike Napoleon, he really is short, but he smelled fantastic. This guy was anointed with oils. Anointed!

My last boyfriend wore Versace Blue Jeans

Most people don’t get to sleep with anointed people. Then again most people don’t have time machines.

I already know what you’re thinking, so don’t say it. “Surely you have better things to do with a time machine.” Well, listen here you Kennedy-saving Hitler-Killers: you can’t change a damn thing. If you change something so it never happens then you wouldn’t go back and change it, and if you wouldn’t go, then it didn’t change…arrrgh! Look. It’s complicated. The guy I slept with to get this time machine tried explaining it and it’s nonsense.

The only things you can do are things that change nothing. Like sleeping with the surprisingly fat Casanova, or Cock-teasing Newton.

He hates that.

But it won’t change him. It won’t change the way he, or you, feel. Sleeping with people doesn’t change anything.

I wonder if Attila snores.