The Economy

Dear Genghis,
You’re leadership is needed. The American economy is suffering terribly. What should we be doing to right the ship?

Confused in Minnesota

Dear Confused,
I have long awaited an opportunity to express my keen ideas concerning the economy. I shall now therefore humbly propose my own thoughts, which I hope will not be liable to the least objection.

I propose we eat poor children.

I have been assured by a very knowing economist of my acquaintance that a young healthy child well nursed is at a year old a most delicious, nourishing, and wholesome food, whether stewed, roasted, baked, or boiled; and I make no doubt that it will equally serve in a fricassee or a ragout.
But Genghis, you think, how does this help our economy? I have already computed the charge of nursing a beggar’s child (in which list I reckon all cottagers, laborers, and four-fifths of the farmers), rags included; and I believe no gentleman would repine to give ten dollars for the carcass of a good fat child, which, as I know well, will make four dishes of excellent nutritive meat. Those who are more thrifty (as I must confess the times require) may flay the carcass; the skin of which artificially dressed will make admirable gloves for ladies, and summer boots for fine gentlemen.
I can think of no one objection, that will possibly be raised against this proposal, I desire the reader will observe, that I calculate my remedy for these United States of America alone, and for no other that ever was, is, or, I think, ever can be upon Earth.
I know my ideas are not popular, but I’ve never been on to side with an idea simply because it was popular. Your taboo against cannibalism is just another form of mob rule.
Therefore let no man talk to me of other expedients: Of regulating the mortgage industry like it had been for seven decades before 1998. Of limiting executive pay or making their salaries conditional to stock holder approval. Of discarding deregulation as a cure-all. Of changing mark-to market valuation. Of not living beyond our means. Of not neglecting our infrastructure. Of no longer offering no-bid contracts. Of tax relief for the middle class. Of subsidies on yaks milk. Of limiting credit default swaps. Of protecting the Silk Road.
I would also like to note my sincerity in proposing this solution, as I have not a single child to sell or eat. I am motivated only by love of country.