We were Promised Jetpacks, Sci-Fi Technologies that Finally Exist.

We were promised jetpacks is the best band name since dolphins rape people, but it also raises a salient point: where is the tech we were promised. We know flying cars arnt going to happen, so stop trying to make it happen! But self driving cars are here, so maybe we arn’t spending all our research and development cash on new Doritos flavors. (Speaking of which, where is my peppercorn ranch frito lay? Frito lazy if you ask me!).


1. Tankless Scuba Mask

Remember that part of the Phantom Menace where the Jedi put on mask so they breath underwater on their sin to the Gunga city? Neither do I. I, like everyone else, went to extensive therapy and did needle drugs until the prequels to Star Wars were wiped from my mind.  Nevertheless, someone has made an actual mask like the one from the second Sherlock Holmes movie. This would make it possible to live under the sea, and since I hear it is hotter under the water, we would be in luck down in the much there under the sea.

2. An actual Jet Pack

Ok, so maybe it’s not this:


But the Martin Jetpack fulfills the basic needs of the would-be superhero: airbased transport for an individual enriched by personal genius or parental death. It only has a range of about 30km due to its max 30 minute flight time, and forgot about plucking  Jennifer Connolly of her feet bringing her back to your lair, it doesn’t have the weight capacity. For now, all your Jennifer Connolly abduction rescue plans should be ground based.

3.  The Skin Gun

No, that’s not another name for men’s junk. It’s just what it sound like: a skin cell gun. It shoots skin cells directly on a skin wound. This video will explain. Not safe for Lunch.

They take stem cells for your own body and spray it on like paint. It is still experimental, but the results are amazing.

4. Computer Chips in Our Brains


DARPA, the mad scientists of the defense department that brought you the pornography distribution matrix internet, want to put computer chips in soldiers brains. They claim it would serve as a kind of “black box” to mark where traumatic events occurred and the information it provides could help treat PTSD.  This idea sounds pretty scary, but hey,they’re the government, they make the bombs and they breed the super-soldiers, so we should just mind our own business and forget we heard anything about super-soldiers.

For the record, they already have pretty futuristic means of treating PTSD. Virtual reality.