Study Cites Vitamin Deficiency as Cause of Orc Bloodlust

The Medical Journal of Australia has published, PUBLISHED, a study postulating Vitamin D deficiency as the cause for the Dark Lord desire to cover all the lands in, well, Darkness.   The study, entitled “The hobbit — an unexpected deficiency,” goes on to claim that it was not the Will of Sauron that corrupted the assorted Orcs and goblins, but the general lack of sunlight availability in Mordor.  They claim: “The vitamin D score was significantly higher among the good and victorious characters (mean, 3.4; SD, 0.5) than the evil and defeated ones (mean, 0.2; SD, 0.4; P < 0.001).” meaning a strong correlation between good and access to sunlight.

Sample paragraph:

“Gollum, himself “as dark as darkness” lives in the dark, deep in the Misty Mountains. He does, however, eat fish, although the text describes these only as “blind” and it is not clear whether they are of an oily kind and thus a potential source of vitamin D. He sometimes eats goblins, but they rarely come down to his lake, suggesting that fish play little part in the goblin diet. Interestingly, these occasional trips to catch fish are undertaken at the behest of the Great Goblin, leading one to speculate that his enhanced diet may have helped him to achieve his pre-eminent position within goblin society. In due course, the Great Goblin is replaced by the Son of the Great Goblin. While simple nepotism is a likely explanation, we are unable to exclude an epigenetic process whereby the son’s fitness to rule has been influenced by parental vitamin D exposure.”

Look, I know what you’re thinking, money well spent. But apparently “no specific funding was available,” for this project. Non-specific funding alone fueled this heart doctor to write this paper with his son. As heart disease is cured or something, I think we can all agree with them that more research is needed.