Breaking from nearly ninety years of tradition, and citing manifold problems with the security and execution of the event, the 22nd Winter Olympics in Sochi Russia has been cancelled.
Millions rejoiced when the event, largely considered a boondoggle and distraction by the world’s populace, was put on permanent hold by the Sochi Organizing Committee. “It is a big relief to us all,” the Committee said through a spokesman. “We all kinda knew it wasn’t going to work out.”
Held every four years, the winter Olympics gives the tiny number of nations with sufficient snowfall a chance to compete in sports that consist primary of a person standing or laying on a flat object and sliding down a mountain. There is also Curling, a sport where ice is swept furiously to enable a transitory stone to cross it.
With a presumptive cost of over 50 Billion dollars, the event was shaping up to be the most expensive Olympics in history. The cost, combined with security concerns created by Jihadist groups, and the utter frivolousness of the winter games to start with, are considered key factors in the event’s cancellation.
Russian President, Vladimir Putin, who had until that point been playing host to the world, admitted the rumors he had had a hand in the cancellation were true. “It’s one of those things,” the autocrat told one interviewer while looking out a Kremlin window, “You know its wrong, but you keep doing it. I mean, everyone sends critics to Siberia, we all have reporters killed, but when they ask you to spend the equivalent of the GDP of Sudan so people can ice skate to Bolero, you just look in the mirror and ask yourself: who have I become?”
The President, reportedly fighting back tears, then looked out into the snowy square below. “I’m not a monster,” he continued.
Despite the millions of man hours saved and billions of dollars rerouted, not everyone was entirely content with the reversal. American snowboarding legend Shaun White expressed disappointment. “I really wanted to compete this year,” said White. “People come from all over the world to see me, make sacrifices, pull their kids out of school, and then some bureaucrats change their minds at the last moment just because some advisory board says that terrorist might be trying to put bombs on the planes into Sochi. I mean, get over yourselves.”
When the two time Olympic gold medalist was asked if he had any message for his fans now unable to see him perform except on video, cable, or internet, the champion only said: “Put your kids in daycare, tell your boss you can’t do another shift in the emergency room, the X-games are comin up and Mr. White has a score to settle. ”
While a significant portion of the funds have been used already to transport athletes and dignitaries back to their countries of origin, most of the colossal funds have been directed to charity and aid organizations. Doctors Without Borders spokesman Micheal Goldfarb told reporters that an effect was already being seen. “The money rerouted to our organization may save millions of lives. The inoculations, medicines, and life saving procedures they fund shows that the world has its priories straight.”
When asked if the organization patients knew where the life saving funds had originated, Goldfarb admitted that few had asked. “One child did ask and showed a fascination with the idea of the Winter Games, unfortunately, that boy was one of the billions living in a country incapable of hosting the games. They don’t have many snow-capped mountains in his neck of the woods,” said Goldfarb laughing shallowly. “Or refrigeration,” he added.
As of press time, the Olympic committees of Poland, Norway and Ukraine, all top contenders for the next Winter games, have commented on their prospects.
The events sponsors, however, have reassured viewers that the prerecorded uplifting videos showcasing children driven by parental expectations to exhaust all possibility of a normal childhood in the pursuit of “excellence” at non-professional sports will still be shown with commercials made specifically for the event.