Creationists Call it Quits

The discovery of trace wave matter from the Big Bang sent shockwaves through the scientific community last week. And while millions of people around the world pretended to understand advanced particle physics for the length of time it takes to post a link on their Facebook walls, the rest of the world waited with baited breath for an official response from America’s Religious Right, who believe the earth is only slightly older than America and a white-skinned Jesus travelled the Middle East performing miracles on the back of a dinosaur.

For those Americans who both care and can read past a 2nd grade level, your wait to be told what to think is over, as the believers in Creationism announced that they have given up.

“Dear science,” announced Pat Robertson at a press conference this morning, “you win.”

Flanked by other Christian personalities such as Mike Huckabee, Rush Limbaugh, Glenn Beck, and Sarah Palin, Robertson continued, “While we still hold firmly to our fear-based view of reality as a place where only men and women can marry, all abortions and the use of contraceptives are murder, and tyranny is any law that forces Christians to show common decency to someone whose mere existence makes us at all uncomfortable, the recent discovery of evidence left over from the big bang has forced us to abandon our belief in Creationism as a valid explanation for the origin of the universe, the earth, and all life therein.”

When questioned as to why they’ve now changed their minds, Robertson said, “We ask you to trust us that we prayed on it, and this new evidence is just too rock-solid to refute. They saw the Big Bang, for chrissake. That’s just something we have no counter-argument for.” While the scientific community as a whole is happy to see an end to Creationism, they are quick to point out that Robertson and his cohort seem to lack a basic understanding of what was discovered.

“We didn’t see the Big Bang,” says Alan Guth, the physicist who in 1980 proposed the theory of cosmic inflation. “This merely verifies a prediction of the theory we’ve held for over 30 years.”


Guth also stated that the observation still has to hold up to scientific scrutiny—a process that could take years. “So, I didn’t really expect it, though incredibly exciting to us [physicists], to change any deniers’ minds.”

To Guth and other scientists, the announcement from the Religious Right seems as random and mysterious as the creation of the universe itself. Nevertheless, Robertson’s tone was one of hope this morning as he ended his prepared statement by saying, “We know that this, like any transition in one’s core belief system, may be hard for some of our followers to process. And we suggest, as we have done ourselves, to put yourself aside and take this as a humbling ‘teaching moment’ from God. You will find great solace in conversing with him about why he made us believe in an origin story that, in this new light, just really doesn’t make any sense.”

If the earliest reactions from others on the Religious Right are any indication, the process of moving on is happening rather quickly.

Creation Museum Head Ken Ham said that when he first heard about the discovery he was unfazed by it. “I mean, I’m no scientist, but the way I saw it it was kind of underwhelming, as far as scientific discoveries go.” He indicated that he figured he’d “go on living life, business as usual.”

His debate with Bill Nye on this very subject has over 2.6 million YouTube views as of press time, and has garnered his museum enough donations to build a $75 million dollar re-creation of Noah’s Arc in the hills of Tennessee. “I really didn’t see it as a true ‘apple-on-the-head’ kind of discovery, you know?” Ham said, referring to Newton’s discovery of gravity. “But when I saw Pat on TV, and I really listened to what he had to say, I realized he was right and I needed to stop lying to myself, once and for all.”

When asked what he was going to do with all the money now that he was abandoning his plans for the Bible-themed park, Ham replied, “I’ve been thinking a lot about space elevators.”

But not everyone in the Christian community feels as comfortable in this new belief system as Ham. “What does this really tell us?” popular Fox News host Megyn Kelly asked on her primetime show The Kelly File.

When she failed to hear a response from any of the show’s crew or her millions of viewers, she continued, answering her own question incorrectly because she—like the majority of the human race—lacks the rigorous scientific education necessary to fully grasp these kinds of notions. “Probably nothing we didn’t already know. And certainly nothing God, in his infinite wisdom, didn’t already know!”

After a short commercial break from Viagra, the show’s biggest sponsor, Megyn continued the segment.

“I mean, I’m no expert on the subject, but this really isn’t an ‘apple-on-the-head’ discovery,” quoting what had by this evening become the Right’s talking point on the matter. Then, using her powerful position as a media personality that a large swath of the human race turns to for meaningful discourse, she added, “An apple from a snake, maybe. But definitely not one on the head,” before turning to Camera 2 for a trending story on women’s thigh gaps.