CYNTHIA ROSS: 'B' GIRL FOREVER
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Estimates of drone-related killings vary widely, and the US government’s legal justification for targeting specific people is shrouded in secrecy, but a study by the Columbia Law School’s Human Rights Institute found that in Pakistan alone, up to 50 civilians are killed for every terrorist. This is in part because of a “double-tap” strategy that targets those who show up after an attack, rescuers, and even mourners at funerals. But, ooh, look at that shiny metal hull!
Everyone knows Apple’s products are designed in California, but do you know where they are made? If you do, you’re probably a nerd. The other reason you might know is the Foxconn Suicides. Working conditions in the factory where Apple’s and other electronics companies’ products are built are so soul-crushingly terrible that between January and November of 2010, eighteen Foxconn workers attempted suicide. But don’t worry, four of them survived! It’s a good thing, too, because shiny!
Do you eat fish? You’re not alone. Due to a combination of high demand, poor management, and new, more effective fishing techniques, ¾ of the world’s fish are being harvested faster than they can be replenished. We’re so hooked (let me have it), that scientists are calling for a permanent end to fishing in international waters, advocating for measures to reinvigorate coastal fisheries. Despite the fact that less than 1% of the world’s seafood comes from deep-sea fishing, it is the most environmentally destructive, damaging coral reefs and collaterally killing dolphin and sharks. Experts say that if deep-sea fishing is not stopped, delicious species like tuna, swordfish, cod, and halibut will be extinct within 3 years.
Chances are that if you’re not gay, you know someone who is. Isn’t it great then that we live in modern times, where unimaginably backwards laws like the February 2013 Kansas bill that legalized LGBT segregation under the guise of “religious liberty” don’t exist? While the bill passed in Kansas’s House, it was killed in the Senate few days later. But it was too late. The damage had already been done, and Kansas is no longer known as a place where nothing remarkable has ever happened. Meanwhile, back in the real America, only 17 states legally recognize these shiny metal loops around the fingers of same-sex couples as a sign that they’ve decided to get divorced in a few years.
It should come as no shock to you that America is the greatest country that’s ever existed. Go ahead, it doesn’t make you an asshole to admit the truth. Among many other things to be proud of, serious crime—murder, rape, robbery, assault—is at its lowest since 1963, and it continues to drop. Which is why it makes so much sense that there are currently about 2 million inmates in US prisons—most of whom are black and Hispanic. If that sounds like a lot, consider that the US has incarcerated more of its citizens than any other society in human history. Which, of course, is logical because as I’ve already stated America is the best at everything. To compare, we have half a million more inmates than China, a dirty communist country with a population five times greater than the US. Ignoring that aspect, you might ask, “Why are the majority of the incarcerated minorities?” Well, it’s a simple numbers game: blacks comprise 12% of the population while Hispanics comprise 17%. So that’s why.
Say what you want about Barack Obama, but he is the first black president. And for that, white America should be proud about not being racist anymore. He’s also the only president who’s openly stated that he will use executive orders to enact policy that, and I quote, “a lazy-ass Congress refuses to.” According to a completely false report I found on the internet, Obama has issued 923 executive orders—more than all previous presidents combined! Okay, those were all jokes. But it is telling when a president has to come on national TV and tell people that their representatives are so bad at their job he has to circumvent our beautiful US Constitution and do it himself, with a single shiny pen. That’s basically saying, “Look, I can’t fire these guys, but boy, if I could!” That’s how it would be if our government was run like a business. What I find particularly ironic about that fact is the very congressional men and women who are not doing their jobs are the ones who want government dismantled so that America can be run like a business. They say it would be more efficient that way. And I guess, since they’d be fired, it would.
What makes America itself a great shiny beacon of freedom in an otherwise degenerated world is without-a-doubt our Constitution. And part of what makes it so great is that it’s a malleable document, which means it was designed to be amendable. Hence, the 27 amendments we currently have to the Bill of Rights. Amendments such as the abolition of slavery, voting rights, and presidential term limits. While the Constitution itself doesn’t explicitly state, “all [people] are created equal”, it does specify the protocol for concretely enacting this vague but noble sentiment. America is actually more of a Republic than a Democracy, but the point is, we’re a country “by the people, for the people.” That is, unless you ask this group of traitor baby northeastern liberals from Princeton, who say that America is an oligarchy.
